Lousy Smarch! The winter never ends, and yet some of the biggest films will try to release us from its icy grip in a summer-style assault! But can they live up to the hype? Could anything? Let’s see what’s out there.
- BATMAN V SUPERMAN COLON DAWN OF JUSTICE – Mar 25, RealD 3D, IMAX3D. In one way, this has been a long time coming. It nearly happened in 2004 but fell apart, then there was the aborted JUSTICE LEAGUE film, now what should have been just Bats V Supes has turned into a big prequel for the even bigger JUSTICE LEAGUE film coming in November 2017. Will this film stand on its own? Does anyone even care? Did it really cost $350 Million? Does it matter? If it grosses less than a billion will WB cancel all the coming DC films? Can it possibly live up to the insane expectations of the fanboys? Will Joe Sixpack see it? Will you? Will I? Of course I’M going to see it, jeez. I was a bit of an apologist for MAN OF STEEL, since I knew the followup would address the many issues people had for it, but this film got seriously out of hand. I think it’ll be a mess, but I’ll be there day one in IMAX.
- ZOOTOPIA – Mar 4, RealD 3D. Disney’s latest looks fantastic, and the reviews are very strong. They’re taking back anthropomorphic animals! Yaaay!
- 10 CLOVERFIELD LANE – Mar 11, IMAX. Despite stating that it’s in the same world as CLOVERFIELD, this is NOT a sequel. It looks like a very intense trapped-in-a-bomb-shelter thriller with Mary Elizabeth Winstead and John Goodman, and I imagine somewhere around the last ten minutes she gets out and chaos ensues. So don’t fall for the completely imagined hype and enjoy what should be a corking good thriller. I should also mention that the director Dan Trachtenberg got on the radar for his gritty PORTAL fan film NO ESCAPE, so this is pretty much the first time a fan filmmaker has made good.
- THE BROTHERS GRIMSBY – Mar 11. Sasha Baron Cohen is back in gross-out mode as the oversexed brother of a spy (Mark Strong, KINGSMAN, KICK-ASS). Director Louis Leterrier is best known for action fare like THE TRANSPORTER and THE INCREDIBLE HULK, but Cohen’s script should have lots of laughs. And lots of super-uncomfortable sexuality.
- LONDON HAS FALLEN – Mar 4. Look, I loved OLYMPUS HAS FALLEN. It’s a throwback to classic 80s R-Rated action like COMMANDO, and the sequel looks to deliver more of the same. It’s not likely to win over haters, but I’ll be checking it out.
- WHISKEY TANGO FOXTROT – Mar 4. It’s nice to see Tina Fey play a character who’s not an idiot for once. WTF is based on the true story of an embed reporter in Afghanistan and Pakistan and all the insanity she went through, taking shit from soldiers and fellow journalists. It’s a black comedy, which is right up her alley, but the reviews have been soft, though positive. Oh, Martin Freeman and Margot Robbie’s in it too, which is always a plus.
- THE DIVERGENT SERIES: ALLEGIANT – Mar 18, IMAX. Enjoyed the first, but the second was god-awful. Now that they’re out of the city maybe it will get interesting, but they’re pulling the now-standard Drag Out The Final Book Over Two Movies Even Though It Doesn’t Really Justify It, and they’re hiding that fact by keeping the name of the third book even though WHAM there’s more coming! Just evil.
- THE YOUNG MESSIAH – Mar 11. I’m surprised that this hasn’t been done yet. It’s Jesus: The Wonder Years. Based on the trailer it’s basically an entire movie of foreshadowing. It could be brilliant, especially since the Iranian director is quite celebrated for his previous films like THE STONING OF SOROYA M but it’ll likely be treacle.
- MY BIG FAT GREEK WEDDING 2 – Mar 25. Finally, some counterprogramming for BAMAN V PIDERMAN. It’s twenty years after the events of the hit film, and their daughter is getting married or something. I’d wager if you loved the original you’ll be on board for more of the same.
- THE PERFECT MATCH – Mar 11. I love Hollywood romantic films. They always show impossibly rich people who just want to find that special someone. I guess people like the escapism, but I can’t imagine that they actually empathize with them. This one features a guy who likes to fuck models until his friends convince him to try a relationship for once, but uh oh, looks like she’s not wookin’ po nub. I wonder if it’ll work out in the end.
- MIRACLES FROM HEAVEN – Mar 18. Hey look, more glurge! This time Jennifer Garner is the worried mom, whose daughter gets sick but gets better when she falls out of a goddamn tree. The best part is buried at the end of the trailer, where the daughter says “He said I’d be fine” OH MY GOD I’LL BET SHE MET JESUS WHEN SHE WAS AT DEATH’S DOOR CHRISTIANITY CONFIRMED AS THE TRUTH GET ON YOUR KNEES UNBELIEVERS
And there’s March! Wasn’t that lovely? April is surprisingly light except for THE GREATEST MOTION PICTURE OF ALL TIME. What is it? Wouldn’t you like to know?