March! A month that means madness to some, a break to
others! Also, movies are released, so we should probably take a look at what’s
out there, because lordy lordy it’s a mixed bag.
- CAPTAIN MARVEL – March 8, RealD3D, IMAX. This is
a big one. It’s Marvel’s first female-led major release, and it’s a bridge
between INFINITY WAR and ENDGAME. If you haven’t seen the trailers, it’s a
period piece set in the 90s which means we’re all old now. It’s a mix of earth-bound
heroism and the weirder cosmic stuff, which audiences have already embraced
thanks to the success of GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY. Throw in an extensively
de-aged Nick Fury and Phil Coulson, epic space battles and a cute cat and
mister, you’ve got yourself a movie!
- US – March 22. Jordan Peele’s GET OUT was a true
game changer, and his follow up looks even more insane. A young family out for
a holiday encounters a doppleganger family that’s bent on murder. Creepy AF, as
the kids say.
- CAPTIVE STATE – March 15. The aliens have
already taken over and humanity’s an enslaved race. Will we rise up against an
unseen and seemingly invincible invader? Sure, why not. Director Rupert Wyatt
kicked off the PLANET OF THE APES reboot, and this looks like an interesting
spin on the alien invasion genre, though I’m concerned that it’s not going to
get much of a publicity push.
- APOLLO 11 – March 1, IMAX. So it seems that a
team of filmmakers shot the Apollo 11 launch preparations in 70mm only to have
the project shelved. Now we’ve got some stunning footage of one of mankind’s
greatest achievements that looks like it was shot yesterday. It’s got a short
run in IMAX this week, and if you’re a space nerd you’ve gotta check it out.
- THE BEACH BUM – March 29. Harmony Korine’s always
been an enfant terrible, even at 45. SPRING BREAKERS was an unexpected hit back
in 2012, so it’s interesting that his followup seems to mine similar themes,
though here rather than a hedonistic criminal he’s following a hedonistic legendary
writer in the middle of a spiral while trying to write his next novel. Matthew
McConaughey tears it up as a Hunter S. Thompson clone crossed with, well, Alien
from SPRING BREAKERS. Looks like a crazy one.
- THE HUMMINGBIRD PROJECT – March 15. A group of Wall
Street nerds try to build a data pipeline to shave a millisecond off trading
times which would make them billions, only to go head to head with their old
boss. Great cast with Jesse Eisenberg and Alexander Skarsgard on one side and
Salma Hayek on the other. Movies about assholes are often entertaining but it’s
tough to enjoy a film where you can’t root for anyone.
- THE KID – March 8. Everyone loves a good
western, but I don’t think this one’s going to get much of a release. Legendary
character actor Vincent D’Onofrio steps behind the camera to tell the tale of
Billy the Kid’s arrest by Pat Garrett and his battle to keep him from mob
justice. Ethan Hawke is Garrett and he’s up against Chris Pratt (!) who plays a
grieving father hungry for vengeance. It looks pretty dang good but it’s a hard
sell to get folks into a theatre for a western these days.
- DUMBO – March 29, RealD3D, IMAX3D. Disney’s been
making live action versions of classic animated films for about a decade now,
and there’s no signs of stopping. Here Tim Burton takes on a classic, which was
itself a slim 64 minutes long. Obviously there will be lots of padding from the
human characters, especially from the one-armed father character played by
Colin Farrell and Michael Keaton’s circus owner. Honestly, I’ve got a bad
feeling about this one, it might be Disney’s first disappointment in years.
- WONDER PARK – March 15. A young girl imagines a
park called “Wonder Land” and after being struck in the head visits it for
reals. The question is, why is the film called WONDER PARK? It’s from the writing
team that made MISSION IMPOSSIBLE: GHOST PROTOCOL (Yay!) and also the TEENAGE
MUTANT NINJA TURTLES films (Boo!) It’s got a typical list of Recognizable Names
giving voice to Wacky Animals (John Oliver, Jennifer Garner, Kenan Thompson,
Mila Kunis) and just doesn’t look right to me. Are the people imaginary too?
Are they at war with monkeys? Is this all a metaphor for something?
- GRETA – March 1. A grieving college girl (Chloe
Grace-Moretz) meets a seemingly well-meaning also grieving mom (Isabelle Huppert)
who clearly harbours a DANGEROUS SECRET. Despite being directed by the
legendary Neil Jordan (THE CRYING GAME, INTERVIEW WITH THE VAMPIRE) reviews are
very soft, so it’s off to Netflix with you!
- FIVE FEET APART – March 15. Ah, finally, your
next Nicholas Sparks wannabe teenage love story! This time it’s two teens with
Cystic Fibrosis who can’t be closer than six feet apart since they could infect
each other. I wonder if they fall in love and try to defy the odds and medical
science, all with a tragic ending? Naaaaaah. It’s directed by Justin Baldoni,
an actor from JANE THE VIRGIN and EVERWOOD, so, yeah.
- TYLER PERRY PRESENTS TYLER PERRY’S MADEA IN
TYLER PERRY’S A MADEA FAMILY FUNERAL, WRITTEN BY TYLER PERRY DIRECTED BY TYLER
PERRY AND STARRING TYLER PERRY AS TYLER PERRY’S MADEA – March 1. Supposeably
this is the LAST Madea film, though she reportedly doesn’t die, so yeah. It’s
better than the last batch but this one is played out.
- UNPLANNED – March 29. Hooooooo mama. This is the
big one. All the family-friendly, well-made Christian films of the last decade
have been building up to this moment. No, it’s not about Mary’s pregnancy, it’s
their big takedown of Planned Parenthood, described in the trailer as “one of
the most powerful organizations on the planet”. Guess that’s why they’ve had to
shut down so many clinics in the south, they’re just too damn powerful. These
filmmakers ain’t playin’ around here folks. This is their aim-for-the-fences
long shot to show the world that abortion is bad, mmkay, because this lady who
used to give them changed her mind, despite what I’m sure have been constant
threats on her life from the megalomaniacal, greed-driven forces of PP, who
want nothing more than to abort every baby currently gestating in women
everywhere. They’ve hired the finest writer/director team for this, who brought
you GOD’S NOT DEAD and GOD’S NOT DEAD 2 and… a horror thriller from 2007 called
THE INSATIABLE where a Boondock Saint tries to not fuck a hot vampire. Look it
up. Anyhoo, I’m sure it will be a completely balanced look at one of America’s
most divisive topics.
So yeah, March! That’s a whole dang month of movies right there. Nothing much coming up in April. Nope. Nothing big there. Just a whooooole lot of nothin’. Oh, and the biggest film of all time. Other than that, nothing. See you then!