*snort* Huh? Wha? What’s goin’ on? Who are you people? Whu? Movies? Where? Here? Now? Oh god, it’s January, don’t you people know anything? Nothing good comes out in January. Just go see the stuff gettin’ nominated. Leave me alone. Ugh, FINE, here’s January’s crapfest.
- THE REVENANT – Jan 8. Okay, this isn’t a crapfest, and it technically got a NY/LA release on Christmas, but yeah. Leo gets eaten by a bear but forgets to die. Visually incredible, but light on story. More of a thrill ride. A brutal, brutal thrill ride.
- KUNG FU PANDA 3 – Jan 29, RealD 3D. I’m a little surprised this one’s coming out so early in the year, but there’s not a lot of competition, so I guess it makes sense. I’ll be honest, I never got around to seeing the other two but I’ve heard good things, I’m sure this will be worth dragging the kids out to the show.
- THE FINEST HOURS – Jan 29, RealD 3D, IMAX3D. An oil tanker gets ripped in half in 1952’s worst storm, and it’s up to Chris Pine and the coast guard to save the crew with their tiny wooden lifeboat. Lots of great New England accents here, but the tone is oddly dry for such a life-threatening situation. Director Craig Gillespie’s mostly done comedies and the hated FRIGHT NIGHT reboot, so it’s got an uphill battle, but there’s some PERFECT STORM level moments in the trailer that should be worth the big screen treatment.
- JANE GOT A GUN – Jan 29. It’s tough to sell a movie when all people want to talk about is the fact that it’s a troubled production that’s been on the shelf for years. On the surface, it’s Natalie Portman in a western, saving her outlaw husband from the evil Ewan McGregor with the help of her ex (Josh Edgerton). Actually looks pretty decent.
- THE FOREST – Jan 8. Margaery Tyrell goes to the suicide forest in Japan to find her twin sister. I can’t help but wonder if they picked this release date hoping people would ask the ticket seller for “The forest movie” meaning REVENANT. No matter how bad it is, it’s still Natalie Dormer in your face for 90 minutes.
- RIDE ALONG 2 – Jan 15. Cube & Hart together again! I mean, why not, the first made a boatload of cash, right? And they’ve thrown Olivia Munn into the mix, so there’s that. Pretty harmless.
- THE BOY – Jan 22. Lauren Cohan (Maggie from WALKING DEAD) is tasked with babysitting an older couple’s young son, who happens to be a puppet. For reals. They believe their dead son has inhabited the puppet, and they treat it like a real child. Surprise surprise, it’s legit haunted. Looks old-school freaky, but horror’s been a weak genre of late.
- THE 5TH WAVE – Jan 22. More YA tomfoolery. Earth has withstood four waves of alien attacks, but the 5th could wipe it out for good. Chloe Grace Moretz (KICK-ASS) is a fantastic actress, and the director’s last film was the excellent THE DISAPPEARANCE OF ALICE CREED, but whose name do I see peeking out from the writing credits? Why, it’s Akiva Fucking Goldsman. So you can expect a decent idea to fall completely apart by the third act.
- NORM OF THE NORTH – Jan 15. A polar bear with ‘tude heads to NYC! Oh man, it’s gonna be so CRAZY. And there’s a message about global warming too! Who else could voice Norm but the legendary Rob Schneider?
- FIFTY SHADES OF BLACK – Jan 22. Who better than Marlon Wayans to take the piss out of FIFTY SHADES OF GREY? Since he’s working with his directing partner behind the two terrible A HAUNTED HOUSE “comedies”, expect the expected.
- DIRTY GRANDPA – Jan 22. Zac Efron and Robert DeNiro team up for hot garbage! Bobby’s disappointed his grandson is engaged to a stuck up bitch, so he sabotages the relationship by dragging him to Spring Break! Woo hoo! I guess he just needed to get his dick wet, am I rite folks
- 13 HOURS: THE SECRET SOLDIERS OF BENGHAZI – Jan 15. I don’t deny that six soldiers put their asses on the line during the events of the July 4 attack on the American embassy in Benghazi, but I don’t trust the reasons the producers had for making this film. In the current political climate, there is no way to tell this story in a non-partisan way, and given that the trailer features a stern-faced bureaucrat telling them to “Stand down!” I feel pretty confident it’s a conservative slant. The release is scheduled during the presidential primaries, and Fox News is already pushing this as the movie that could take down Hilary Clinton, despite the countless tribunals that have absolved her of responsibility. In the end, it’s Michael Bay directing another tribute to the troops. No one will really watch the film with an open mind.
And that’s the month. Go see STAR WARS again. February’s looking much better.