April movies bring May blockbusters! So let’s just get this month over with, shall we?
- KEANU – April 29. Key and Peele’s big screen debut features the cutest kitten in history. Oh, and it’s funny as hell.
- THE GREEN ROOM – April 15. A punk band gets caught up in a skinhead gang fight. This blew the roof of the dump at TIFF last year, and Patrick Stewart’s created one of the most chilling villians in movie history.
- MIDNIGHT SPECIAL – April 1. Evidently director Jeff Nichols is tired of the Spielberg comparisons, so let’s just say this looks like a great film about a father trying to deal with his son, who happens to be born with abilities the government is very interested in.
- HARDCORE HENRY – April 8. Well, they finally did it. An entire action film from the first person. Bound to cause motion sickness around the world, this features Sharlto Copley (DISTRICT 9) helping, well, you get your wife back from evil scientists. Should be bananas.
- DEMOLITION – April 8 limited. Jake Gyllenhaal is a man dealing with his wife’s death by taking apart their home by hand. From Quebecer Jean-Marc Vallee, director of DALLAS BUYER’S CLUB and WILD. Should be a sad but interesting film.
- RATCHET AND CLANK – April 29, RealD 3D. Basically the unofficial mascot for the Sony PlayStation, Ratchet’s been adventuring for nearly fifteen years and he’s finally headed to the big screen. It always felt like an interactive cartoon, so this transition has been a long time coming. It looks beautiful, and doesn’t require any knowledge of the game, so hopefully audiences will be willing to give it a shot.
- DISNEY’S THE JUNGLE BOOK – April 15, RealD 3D, IMAX 3D. I just don’t know. I love Jon Favreau, but there’s something about this that bugs me. Sure it looks nice, but it gives me the willies. I hope I’m wrong and it turns out to be something special, but I’m hedging my bets.
- A HOLOGRAM FOR THE KING – April 22, limited. Tom Hanks’ latest is more of an art house release. When I watched the trailer it didn’t interest me until I saw that it was directed by Tom Tykwer, best known for RUN LOLA RUN. He worked with Hanks on the criminally underrated CLOUD ATLAS, but this one is much more grounded, with Hanks playing a tech magnate selling a Saudi prince hologram technology. It’s likely a damning portrayal of royal excess, and hey, it’s Tom Freakin’ Hanks, so I’m hoping this is better than it looks.
- CRIMINAL – April 15. Deadpool, Pa Kent, Commissioner Gordon, The Riddler, and Wonder Woman team up for INJUSTICE LEAGUE. Okay, not really. Reynold’s CIA memories are transplanted into Costner’s brain to find a l33t haxxor who threatens to nuke the world. The fact that there has been ZERO hype for this is troubling. Director Ariel Vromen made THE ICEMAN to decent acclaim but no one saw that either. And it’s from the writers of THE ROCK and DOUBLE JEOPARDY, two films not remembered for their great scripts.
- I SAW THE LIGHT – April 8. Tom Hiddleston brings Hank Williams to life, but sadly the reviews suggest this is one of the worst musical biopics ever made, which is a real shame.
- ELVIS & NIXON – April 22. This just doesn’t seem like a real movie. Elvis (Michael Shannon) meets Richard Nixon (Kevin Spacey). This really happened, but no one knows what they talked about. I seriously doubt this will be worth going to the theatre for.
- THE HUNTSMAN: WINTER’S WAR – April 22. So the victor of the dueling Snow White films no one wanted gets a sequel no one wants. On the bright side, it’s still Emily Blunt, Charlize Theron, and Jessica Chastain on the big screen, looking hot and being badass.
- THE BOSS – April 8. Melissa McCarthy gets all Melissa McCarthy, playing a thinly veiled Martha Stewart clone trying to rebuild her fallen empire. Goofy, vulgar amusement.
- BARBERSHOP: THE NEXT CUT – April 15. It’s a comedy with a message! That message being: be unoriginal and unchallenging.
- MOTHER’S DAY – April 28. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? From the producers of NEW YEAR’S EVE and VALENTINE’S DAY comes the inevitable lazy ensemble comedy for your mom. Julia Roberts, Kate Hudson, Jennifer Aniston, and, uh, Jason Sudekis lead this monstrosity designed for easy consumption. Hell, it’s basically a suppository now.
- GOD’S NOT DEAD 2 – April 1. So the first film told the tale of a young man who stood up to his bullying liberal professor who claimed god was dead. This time, the stakes are EVEN HIGHER. After the school board bans NOT ONLY PRAYER, but the VERY MENTION OF JEEBUS, a youngish teacher (Melissa Joan Hart, following the Kirk Cameron path) is whisked along to the supreme court to LEGALLY prove the existence of god. Because CHRISTIANITY IS UNDER ATTACK SHEEPLE. You can’t even say the word BIBBLE in school. Watch the trailer, it’s hilarious. She’s softballed a question from a student where the only logical answer is Jeebus and another student immediately texts his parents that his LIBERAL VALUES ARE BEING ASSAULTED so she’s immediately fired. I’m sure the last fifteen minutes of the movie are just the lead character addressing the audience about how to save CHRISTIAN AMERICA. For a thought experiment, imagine the same audience paying to see a film about a young Muslim woman who brings up the Qur’an and suffers the same fate. Yeah, THAT’LL happen.
So lots of options for April, just not a lot of good ones. May, though? May? Daaaaaamn.